Dear Mr. World Health Organisation man person,
I've got some news for you. The planet is going to spin off of its own axis and plummet through space forever until it collides with something bigger and uglier than us and kills us all.
Why so?! I hear you cry in horror...
Babies everywhere. Multiplying at rates invisible to the human eye.
I've been trotting around various cities in this part of the world over the past week with my visitors, Antwerp, Rotterdam, and the Hague and you couldn't swing a cat for fear of hitting a newborn smack in the chops.
Either 86% of the world's population is currently pregnant or there is a serious run on shoplifting bowling balls among the female species.
We even went to Amsterdam last weekend, for gay pride, you would think a poor infertile would find some peace there, but nooooooo. Bloody babies n'bellies as far as the eye could see.
In fact, at this rate of multiplication, I calculate that the world's resources should expire sometime later this week.
Now, let me take a minute to gash my wrists and grab the salt shaker. I've insanely and inanely rambled on before about how I believe we are being mocked by nature. Well, these little froggy horny green bastards were not satisfied in deafening us with their incessant copulation and production of masses of frog spawn, but now it seems that they are playing happy families too.
We are overrun by hundreds of baby frogs.
My warning to the mammy and daddy frogs? keep them out of my sight, or those feeble frogs could fall fowl to my crumbling grasp of reality.
I'm just days away from strapping a couple into a stroller with a couple of bonnets on their heads and taking them to the playground.
"Hi everyone, meet Kermit and Kermitta"